What I Have Learned So Far...

...on my esteemed MSc Course.

Humanistic/Person-Centred Counselling:

Counsellor: Hi Bob, welcome to our session. This time is yours, use it for whatever you need.

Client: Thanks. I'm feeling really low at the moment.

Counsellor: Mmmm.

Client: Yeah, I'm just feeling pretty sad a lot really.

Counsellor: Mmmm. You're feeling sad.

Client: That's right.

Counsellor: Mmmm. It's OK to feel sad Bob. Let's explore how it feels right now for you to be feeling sad right now.Etc. etc.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy:

Counsellor: Hi. What's the problem?

Client: Um, I'm feeling really low at the moment.

Counsellor: On a scale of 1 to 10, exactly how low would you say you were feeling?

Client: Um, I guess, a 9?

Counsellor: Right. By the end of the week I want you to get that down to an 8. Here is an exercise: Next time you find yourself feeling sad, give yourself a little slap and say "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER BOB!".

Client: Um...

Counsellor: Trust me, this stuff really works.

Client: But I...

Counsellor: Sorry, times up.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy:

Counsellor: Hi Bob, I notice you chose to wear blue today. Interesting.

Client: Well, it's funny you should say that. I'm feeling quite blue.

Counsellor: Interesting.

Client: Yes, I'm really quite unhappy.

Counsellor: I notice you used the word unhappy there.

Client: Yes.

Counsellor: It's interesting you should choose that word, or rather, that that word should choose you. You see, the word 'unhappy' is an anagram of the word pypahun.

Client: I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow...

Counsellor: Pypahun is an ancient word from yore, which has many meanings, but principally it describes someone who wishes to have sex with a family member.

Client: Oh...

Counsellor: It's clear from the way you are sitting that you have been fantasizing about your mother.

Client: Oh!

Counsellor: You are telling me you are unhappy but really you are communicating through the transference and countertransference, a repressed sexual desire which is linked to the way that your father looked at you when you were being potty trained...etc. etc.

*Disclaimer:May I point out that I am using the tool of caricature, and I am not trying to discredit my own future profession (well, maybe the psychodynamic bit). I would also like to point out that in my previous post I was using the tool of comedic licence, and I am not in fact late every day. This is just in case any potential employers, or reference writers, or lecturers should stumble across any of this. That is all.