Saturday, 2 December 2006

Ruby, Ruby

Once upon a time there was a little blonde geek who won a CD walkman in an essay writing competition. She only owned one CD at the time; Pornograffitti by Extreme, and she listened to it over and over again, retreating to her private, portable music world. There were few things that brought this tragic child more pleasure than her walkman, but as she began to add Guns 'N'Roses and The Fairer Sax to her CD collection, she began to dream bigger dreams.
If only there were a way to have ALL her metal and light jazz CDs in one place. If only there was a way of shuffling the tracks so that Axl Rose could blend seamlessly into 'Latin American Medly'. Her limited mind began to imagine a giant rucksack with a tiny man inside it to select tracks at random. Fortunately for her, Mr Apple was imagining too.
Cue Ruby, the most beautiful, anthropomorphic inanimate object I have ever met. She is all my childhood dreams rolled into one. So far, Ruby has eaten 13.1 DAYS worth of solid music, and I still have entire meals of Various Artists to feed her.
Ruby is a cheeky begger. I have set myself the inexplicable and masochistic rule, that I will never skip a track that Ruby sings when the 'what I am listening to' thing is on Messenger. So whenever she is singing via my computer, she will inevitably sing B*Witched, Aqua and PJ & Duncan.* When she sings to me in the car when we are alone together, she sings me a breathtaking mix which would make anyone listening in say "wow, she is so eclectic and hip!" of course, no-one ever IS listeing in. I can see a sadistic smile on her click wheel.
I could count - for a long time, and in great detail - all of the ways that I love Ruby, but I fear no-one would ever read my blog again, or I would get arrested for material idolatory. Allow this modest limerick to suffice:
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life!
and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.
*Yes, I do own albums by each of these 'artists', but that is only because I worked in a record shop for many years and I got given them for free, and this information is strictly just between you and me. I just hope that none of you find out that I actually have BOTH B*Witched albums, and that I paid for one of them.

1 comment:

OddBabble said...

I know how you feel *sigh*. I've got a Creative Zen and she is almost a year old now! How time flies... and how much she has enriched my life. Her name is Kandyfloss (with a 'K'). And the very best thing about her is that she's pink : )

By Tan, at Mon Dec 04, 05:25:00 PM 2006

Thanks for this OddBabble. I hope you and Ruby are very happy together.

My iPod is called Douglas Imrie. We have a wonderful friendship. But it wasn't always so peachy. For a while he kind of took over my life. Making me stop whatever I was doing to feed him more and more delicious tunes. But now he has consumed my entire massive CD collection so we have settled into more of a healthy routine.

One of my favourite things about Douglas is that he sometimes preaches great sermons to me whilst I am cleaning. He really knows his stuff. An excellent apologist as well as a fine singer.

He has been very patient with me. I had a few bad experiences in the past that left me quite bitter and cynical. A Creative Zen Nomad Jukebox Xtra (that will remain anonymous) was a nightmare from beginning to end. She was hard to interface with and very soon broke down and refused to communicate with me. We tried seeing a counsellor called Warren T, but he couldn't help and wouldn't say why. It took a fair bit of courage to try another MP3 player but I'm so glad I did. I swore I'd never give in to iPod's monopoly but this shiny black masterpiece is worth caving in and selling out for.

At first I didn't want to commit many songs to him because I feared he would soon do the same as Zen had, and I didn't have the energy to burn all those tunes again only to be let down. But he's stuck by me for quite some time now and has only ever run out of battery once. We really couldn't be happier.

Douglas Imrie, what a pal.

By Nathan, at Wed Dec 06, 11:02:00 AM 2006

I am SO encouraged to hear about other relationships like mine. People have been calling me a wierdo, but it's great to know that I am actually normal.

Nathan, I can relate to your comment about how Douglas demands so much of your time to prepare meals. I tell you, Ruby is just insatiable! She must have, legs? Perhaps they are related. Having met Douglas once, I have to admit, they look quite similar.

I'm glad that your last relationship has not left you so scarred that you could not pursue this friendship with Douglas. If you're anything like as happy as Ruby and I, I know it was worth taking that risk. Well done my friend.

By OddBabble, at Wed Dec 06, 02:55:00 PM 2006

The relationship I have with dopi is somewhat sketchy at times. I feel that I commit much more to him than he to me. He tends to play the same old tune. Like a clanging symbol and he never gives out as much as I try to put in him. He has a very low memory and so I constantly find myself frustrated by this. However when I have just cooked a new meal of tunes and fed it to him then I am happy. However, in oreder to get him to eat I do have to force him to poo. This is not pretty. He is small and petite which rather suits me well. I am attracted to his exterior as well as his interior. I just wish he had more memory for my faviorite songs.

By Anonymous, at Wed Dec 06, 05:46:00 PM 2006

I had d'alliances, flings, affairs, with little, dainty, skinny memory stick mp3 players in my youth. There was the rounded Intel one I got years and years and years ago, with the luscious curves of brushed metal that just screamed "Its still the 90s"! Then there was the chunky grey Creative one that I never really felt any passion for; nor her for me. The last such fling with a little secret lover that I could carry around without anyone suspecting was a tiny Samsung (the smallest in the world said the ads!).

They were all replaced when I set my eyes on the older lady I now love and hope never to let go of. She was on ebay, discarded by some foolish man no doubt who didn't know the treasure he had and was trading in her for a younger fresher model that played videos. I paid there and then. I wanted her so bad I even paid in Sterling. And so last Christmas I had an old I-River IHP20, the first great mp3 player and the last mp3 player I ever hope to own.

My love for her is covenental. If she falters, I will fix her. I will trawl the web to find replacement hard discs or data cables to make sure she keeps working. She sings to me randomly, or in easily compiled playlists or all of one artist followed by every album beginning with a certain letter. She records my voice notes and my sermons. She stores my essential files and entertains me in queues with her ability to hold text files. She plays my radio stations and finally, she is a very good paper weight.

I love her. In fact, I'm off to recharge her and then stroke her lovingly.

By Zoomtard, at Tue Dec 12, 04:49:00 PM 2006