So I'm a man and I'm heavily pregnant.
I am on my way to have a caesarean, presumably to prevent the baby from coming out of some unimaginable orifice.
It's a local anaesthetic, but I don't have the luxury of one of those merciful green screens to stop me from being able to view the internal contents of my own body. Thus I am conversing furiously with my 'birthing partners' (Witsy & B) demanding that they 'ASKMEANOTHERQUESTIONASKMEANOTHERQUESTION' the moment a silence lapses, since I know if I don't keep talking I will......look down.After a suprisingly short time I am cautiously standing up (still not wanting to look down, as i had a nasty feeling they'd forgotten to sew me up again) and the midwife comes over and says; 'here's your baby'.
I look, puzzled, into the black bucket full of blood and fat. "Where?" I ask."There." She says. As I look closer I can see a tiny, foetus sized creature with a hideously disproportionately large head which looks as if it is made of glittery suede.
You'd think I'd be disgusted but it has such a beautiful, serene, knowingly content smile on its face that I know I'm going to be the most loving daddy in all the world.
Sorry. Even I feel a little bit queasy now.